Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

My girlfriend is visiting me for the weekend, and I’m really excited to see her. I haven’t seen her for a couple months. However, I just got the new Batman game, and I was really looking forward to playing it all weekend. But if I play it, I’ll ignore her. What should I do?

Thanks,
Girlfriend Always Monopolizing Entertainment, Ordering Romance, Distracting Amazing Multimedia Experiences

Dear GAME OR DAME,

Whenever I have a question like this — or any question, really — I think to myself, “What would Batman do?” And Batman tells me the virtual citizens of Gotham can’t save themselves. I’ve played the new Batman game, and it’s really awesome. You get to be Batman! Of course, Batman lives with a young boy in a Speedo and an old man, so you probably shouldn’t take his love advice.

As awesome as Batman is, though, you should probably spend time with your girlfriend. You don’t see her often, and I’m sure there are many things she’d prefer to do other than watch you play Batman — like play Batman herself. If she wants to spend the weekend playing Batman, then you’d better hold on to that girl. You hold her tight and never let go.

I’ll take any excuse to talk about Batman,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

I’m not very good at flirting. The only times I’ve gone out with girls have been after they’ve actually thrown themselves at me. When I try to flirt with a girl, I either can’t think of anything to say or wind up arguing with her. Do you have any tips?

Thanks,
Frankly, Intimidating Remarks Start The Majority Of Verbal Exchanges, Whether On Romantic Sojourns To Mate or On Vocational Engagements

Dear FIRST MOVE WORST MOVE,

You’ve come to the right place! First, it seems clear that, whenever you open your mouth, you stick your foot in it. Just keep your mouth shut. Instead, develop a brooding personality, like that of a Byronic hero. You want to get away with as little talking as possible.

Suppose you can’t pull off the Byronic look — perhaps you’re blonde and can’t stop smiling. One alternative is “chirping.” Chirping is when you stand in the corner of the room and hold up your hand, opening and closing it as if you had a baby-bird sock puppet on. Then, “chirp” at a girl. As ridiculous as it sounds, it might work. Perhaps chicks dig the “not sure if cute and awkward or serial killer” look.

Or just accept your lonely fate,
Patrick Hoskins