Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

I woke up this morning with a large lump on the back of my head, a puddle of blood on my bathroom floor, and a Browning semi-automatic with two bullets missing from the clip in my hand. I can’t find a body, there’s police sirens in the background, and someone cut my face out of all my family photos.

Please help,
Whatever Help is Available To Divulge Is Desperately, Increasingly Desired at Once


This can all be easily explained. Last night, you cut yourself shaving, resulting in a large puddle of blood on the floor. Out of toilet paper, you decided to cut your face out of all your family photos to use as bandaids. As an American, you proudly own a gun, but are too poor to afford a full magazine, so you stopped two bullets short. You woke up in the middle of the night to pee, but slipped on the puddle of blood on the floor and bumped your head.

Okay, did the cops buy it? Good. Go to the airport and get on the first plane to Mexico. If you don’t have a passport or visa, go somewhere along the border. Then sneak across. Go to Zihuatanejo, Mexico. Get an old boat and start to fix it up. Open a bar. Never speak of your past.

If you’re in jail, invest in a rock hammer,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

I just bought this sweet fedora! I wanted something that’ll make me look classy, and I think no one looks classier than Don Draper. The only problem is I don’t have anything to go with it (other than my xkcd shirts). Do you have any tips for fedora accessories?

Looking for Outfits, Nice Ensembles, Low-cost Yet still Nice; Enjoying Resembling Draper


There’s one key accessory for any fedora: a time machine. Hop in with your fedora, and go back to the 1960s. Then your fedora will actually be in fashion! You’re not Don Draper; you’re a 20-year-old guy in 2011. Fedoras only look good when you’re wearing a suit, and they leave your hair greasy if you wear them for more than 20 minutes. They went out of fashion for a reason.

However, looking classy is a good goal. The first and easiest way to do it is to trim that neck beard! Either go clean-shaven, or have a nice-looking beard. No mustaches, and no neck beards. Shower regularly. With soap. Buy some nice button-downs and slacks. Most importantly, get clothes that fit. Also, use deodorant. Lots of deodorant.

Seriously, no neck beards,
Patrick Hoskins