Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

Halloween is coming up in the next couple weeks, and I have no idea what I should go as. Do you have any costume suggestions?

Thanks,
Scanty Lingerie, Underwear, Tights, or Tatas? Your Preference Urgently Mandated, Patrick, Knower of Information

Dear SLUTTY PUMPKIN,

If Mean Girls has taught me anything, it’s that nothing is more important than your Halloween costume. As Lindsay Lohan pointed out, many girls take Halloween as a chance to walk around in their underwear and wear animal ears. Those are pretty lame costumes — Amanda Seyfried looked nothing like a mouse! Try being creative. Go as an ex-wife, or tape your eyes wide open and mouth into a creepy smile and go as Michele Bachmann. Or heavily imply to all your friends that you’re going to a party, but stay home instead and call yourself Sarah Palin.

For all you guys out there, you don’t really have to worry about a costume. One easy costume is to wear your underwear on the outside, tie a belt around your head, and answer only to Quailman. Another is to dress normally and go as a Muggle. If you spend money on a costume, you’ve failed at Halloween.

Or just dress in drag,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

Midterms are here, and I’m freaking out about my exams. I’ve been skipping class and feel pretty lost. Do you have any tips on catching up and studying for tests?

Thanks,
Wants Help Entering Recitations, Enjoying Stultifying Classes, Learning A Semester’s Subjects

Dear WHERE’S CLASS,

Skipping class is addicting. You accidentally sleep through your morning class once and realize how nice that extra rest is, so you keep it up every day. You miss a day for a root canal and enjoy the painkillers so much, you schedule one a week for the rest of the semester. No matter what you do, it still seems better than going to class.

You need to stop. Go to class. If there are notes online, read all the ones you’ve missed to catch up with the class. Make a friend in class and con him into a “study session” (i.e. he teaches you everything from the past six weeks in two hours). If you can put up with that strange odor coming from your TA, try going to office hours. They’re paid to help you, so they can’t just blow you off.

Put this down and go to class,
Patrick Hoskins