Horoscopes

Aries
March 21 - April 19

Beware of people in striped shirts. The repetitive pattern is meant to hypnotize you.

Taurus
Apr. 20 - May 20

You don’t need these horoscopes to tell you what your future holds. There’s a website for that: It's called Blackboard.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21

If you are feeling sad and blue, give everyone you see a dollar. This will probably not improve your mood, but it will keep others from feeling the way you do.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22

Do not run around campus naked this week. It’s far too hot. Hold your streaking urges until the weather gets better.

Leo
July 23 - Aug. 22

There is someone, somewhere, at some point in time who thinks you are awesome. The only problem is that this person sucks at specificity.

Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

The onset of fall has you seeing red. Calm down. You’re not sick or angry; the leaves are just changing colors.

Libra
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

Your future is written not in the stars but in the clouds. Cirrus and stratus will bring you great luck while cumulo-nimbus clouds are a sign of ominous things to come. No matter which type of clouds are in the sky, run for cover whenever one is in the shape of an animal.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

There is no need to have a long, drawn-out explanation of how your week is going to be. It can be summed up in one word: @#%*.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

At the next full moon you will find a magic pixie at the Kraus Campo. Whatever you do, don't breathe her pixie dust. There’s just some magic out there that you can’t handle.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

It's ok, I understand; Facebook made you do it.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

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Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20

Something nice. Something good.