March 21 - April 19

Beware of people in striped shirts. The repetitive pattern is meant to hypnotize you.

Apr. 20 - May 20

You don’t need these horoscopes to tell you what your future holds. There’s a website for that: It's called Blackboard.

May 21 - June 21

If you are feeling sad and blue, give everyone you see a dollar. This will probably not improve your mood, but it will keep others from feeling the way you do.

June 22 - July 22

Do not run around campus naked this week. It’s far too hot. Hold your streaking urges until the weather gets better.

July 23 - Aug. 22

There is someone, somewhere, at some point in time who thinks you are awesome. The only problem is that this person sucks at specificity.

Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

The onset of fall has you seeing red. Calm down. You’re not sick or angry; the leaves are just changing colors.

Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

Your future is written not in the stars but in the clouds. Cirrus and stratus will bring you great luck while cumulo-nimbus clouds are a sign of ominous things to come. No matter which type of clouds are in the sky, run for cover whenever one is in the shape of an animal.

Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

There is no need to have a long, drawn-out explanation of how your week is going to be. It can be summed up in one word: @#%*.

Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

At the next full moon you will find a magic pixie at the Kraus Campo. Whatever you do, don't breathe her pixie dust. There’s just some magic out there that you can’t handle.

Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

It's ok, I understand; Facebook made you do it.

Jan. 20 - Feb. 18


Feb. 19 - March 20

Something nice. Something good.