March 21 - April 19
Beware of people in striped shirts. The repetitive pattern is meant to hypnotize you.
Apr. 20 - May 20
You don’t need these horoscopes to tell you what your future holds. There’s a website for that: It's called Blackboard.
May 21 - June 21
If you are feeling sad and blue, give everyone you see a dollar. This will probably not improve your mood, but it will keep others from feeling the way you do.
June 22 - July 22
Do not run around campus naked this week. It’s far too hot. Hold your streaking urges until the weather gets better.
July 23 - Aug. 22
There is someone, somewhere, at some point in time who thinks you are awesome. The only problem is that this person sucks at specificity.
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
The onset of fall has you seeing red. Calm down. You’re not sick or angry; the leaves are just changing colors.
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22
Your future is written not in the stars but in the clouds. Cirrus and stratus will bring you great luck while cumulo-nimbus clouds are a sign of ominous things to come. No matter which type of clouds are in the sky, run for cover whenever one is in the shape of an animal.
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21
There is no need to have a long, drawn-out explanation of how your week is going to be. It can be summed up in one word: @#%*.
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
At the next full moon you will find a magic pixie at the Kraus Campo. Whatever you do, don't breathe her pixie dust. There’s just some magic out there that you can’t handle.
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19
It's ok, I understand; Facebook made you do it.
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18
Feb. 19 - March 20
Something nice. Something good.