Pillbox

B03 - Everything you need to know

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

I see all the women doing FMR outside Morewood, and it looks like they’re having a lot of fun. Should I do FMR next year?

Sincerely,
Seeking sorority

Dear SS,

It all depends. Do you like being judged? Do you enjoy being valued like a head of livestock? Do you like being lumped into categories so guys can more easily judge you? If so, join a sorority!

Here’s the deal with FMR: Sororities are mean. Last year, I went to an FMR information session. At first, the sisters told me to pull up a chair, but just as I was making myself comfortable, one of the women in charge said to me “Like, you do know this is only for, like, girls, right?” To which I replied, “That’s sexist,” and walked out, ignoring their retorts. They excluded me just because I’m a guy! Had Susan B. Anthony been a man, he’d be outraged!

Sororities do blah blah blah give back to the community blah blah blah Greek Sing blah blah blah Booth blah blah blah. So join if you like being judged and excluded by other girls. Or if you liked high school.

They’re sexist,

Patrick Hoskins

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

I just got a tattoo, but I think the tattoo artist was playing a joke on me. My Chinese friend told me that what I thought said “peace” actually says “chicken salad.” What should I do?

Sincerely,
Regretfully inked

Dear RI,

Here’s the deal. Tattoos are permanent, so you need to know what you’re getting into. Never get a tattoo you don’t know the meaning of. You need to walk in there knowing what you want.

Don’t get a tattoo when you’re drunk (which you probably were). Find a reputable tattoo artist — someone who keeps their shop clean and won’t mess with you like that guy did. Ink is permanent, and so are bad decisions. Keep in mind, your body’s going to start sagging soon. In a few years, that symbol will be so stretched out no one will be able to tell if it’s “chicken salad” or “chicken sandwich.”

Next time get something original, like a tribal armband.

Tattoo removal is expensive,

Brian Hoskins