March 21 - April 19

A Carnegie Mellon student picks up a copy of The Tartan and reads his horoscope in Pillbox. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

Apr. 20 - May 20

Do something nice for someone today. Close your mouth.

May 21 - June 21

The hot girl you made out with at the party last Friday wants to... Oops. Wrong newspaper.

June 22 - July 22

The world is your stage, and your daily life is a performance. Sadly, I have been hearing bad reviews.

July 23 - Aug. 22

The Ginger’s/Exchange specials set the tone for your days this week. Watch out for Wednesday.

Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

Avoid walking past the Mall as much as possible. You are not giggly and super-happy because you are having a good day; you’re high off the fertilizer fumes.

Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

Walk from the UC to Gates. Take the elevator to the third floor and exit, passing by the CIC. Take the bus to Forbes and Morewood. Once you’re back on the Cut, you will find that you have wasted about 10 minutes of your time. Amazing!

Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

It’s okay; I understand. Facebook made you do it.

Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

You are a leader on campus; it is your job to demand that Monday be mandatory crazy-shirts-only day. The fate of everyone’s happiness is in your hands. Don’t let us down.

Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

When you get dressed in the morning, make sure that you are wearing pants. Leggings don’t count!

Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

Trust yourself a little more this week. You don’t need the bus to splash you with water to let you know it’s been raining.

Feb. 19 - March 20

You have worked hard and deserve a reward. So, this weekend, put your feet up, put on some relaxing music, and clean out your inbox.