Everything you need to know

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

I was walking through Oakland the other day and found myself being taunted by Pitt kids. Some of them yelled out insults at me, and someone even threw an egg at me! What the hell? What can I do to stop their jackassery?


Dear PJ,

Stop being a nerd. The end.

Okay, you probably need to know more than that. You’re a Carnegie Mellon student, so you don’t know how to be cool. You know that nerdy shirt you have? The black one with the white text and the computer pun? Don’t wear that. Might as well be a bullseye. I’m guessing you were talking about math at the time. Stop that. Try to blend in. That means acting drunk, even in the middle of the day.

Pitt kids are jocks, and you’re a geek. You are mortal enemies.

Just accept this fact. Eventually, you’ll be making a lot of money at some fancy job, and they’ll be your doctor, charging you a ton of money because your company insurance doesn’t cover that life-saving procedure.

**In summary, support Obamacare! **

Patrick Hoskins

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

Yom Kippur has come and gone, and my Jewish friends have not given me the apologies I deserve. I demand satisfaction! Tell me how I can force them to atone for all their wrongdoings against me.

Jew at Carnegie Mellon

Dear JCM,

Whatever you do, don’t confront them about your feelings. Instead, ask them pointed questions about what they did. Ask if they repented completely for their High Holy Days, and then scoff at whatever answer they give.

Be incredibly passive-aggressive. Complain about them all the time behind their backs. Hold this grudge tight. Expect them to figure out what they did on their own, and resent them more and more when they don’t. In short, be a woman.

No one knows passive aggressive, hateful actions better than women. I mean, have you seen Mean Girls? After enough tormenting, eventually your friends will crack and apologize for everything they’ve done. Once that’s happened, you can lord your moral superiority over them until the next Yom Kippur.

Women are crazy,

Brian Hoskins