Everything you need to know

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

The TOC is this week, but I have no idea what to do. I can go and hand out my résumé, but what should I do if a company takes interest in me? Do you have any interview tips?

TOC Newbie

Dear Newbie,

Ah, the interview, where recruiters find marketable candidates and pathetic losers. Which one are you? If you follow my advice, you’ll be able to disguise yourself as an actual candidate. The key is to make yourself stand out. For example, when you first walk into the interview, don’t shake the interviewer’s hand. Everyone shakes hands, and most people don’t do that good a job. Keep your hands firmly in your pockets and totally ignore his or her outstretched hand.

Once the interview starts, don’t talk about yourself. You don’t want to be arrogant, so don’t brag about how good you are at something. Instead, tell them exactly what you’re bad at — for example, working with people, respecting authority, completing assigned work,
not stealing from the workplace, and personal hygiene.

Finally, be sure to flirt with your interviewer — a lot. Compliment her chest, stare at his crotch, undress him with your eyes. If you’re lucky, you’ll wind up with a job and engage in sexual congress.

Find out how much it pays,

Brian Hoskins

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

I’m convinced that I cannot get a girl. However, celebrities get tons of girls. Which celebrity should I act like to maximize my girl-attracting abilities?


Dear McD,

First, I’m glad you’ve realized that the key to getting girls is not to be yourself. Girls hate that. When looking for a celebrity to imitate, there are many things to keep in mind: his acting range, how bankable he is, his popularity, and, of course, whether or not he’s a huge piece of man-candy.

Personally, my celebrity man-crush is Matt Damon. He can do comedy, drama, action — the whole shebang. He even has an Oscar for Good Will Hunting! So, how to become Matt Damon? First, drop out of college, write an award-winning screenplay, and admit to a long-time love affair with Sarah Silverman. Then become rich, famous, and handsome. After that, the girls will flock to you!

Really, you don’t need to be Matt Damon. Or famous, or even handsome — just be rich. I guess you should stay in college then. You won’t get any girls now, but in 20 years you’ll be beating them off with a stick!

Gold diggers need love too,

Patrick Hoskins