Horoscopes

Aries
March 21 - April 19

Try not to be so negative this week; round yourself as close to zero as possible.

Taurus
Apr. 20 - May 20

I hate bees. If you want to get ahead in life, you should too.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21

Walk right into the hornet’s nest this week — it can’t end that badly, right?

Cancer
June 22 - July 22

This week, don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. Make one out of an anthill; they are much easier to start from.

Leo
July 23 - Aug. 22

Don’t sweat the small stuff; obsess over it until you get every detail exactly right.

Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

This week, try harder to be a nice person — you really suck at it right now.

Libra
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

Try not to let your devious side get the better of you. Pick the evil one instead.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

Don’t be an enabler: Leave your alarm on in the morning so your roommate doesn’t sleep in past 6:30.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

By removing all of your clothing at a pivotal moment, you can escape an embarrassing situation with a chicken and a model train.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

The stars are not quite sure how you managed to get yourself into your current situation, but you can escape by moving three states west.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

You can complain to the studio as much as you want; your favorite TV show as a kid is never going to be published in your obscure video format.

Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20

Let the wind guide you this week. Let it fill your sails, even if it guides your boat over a waterfall.