Horoscopes

Try not to be so negative this week; round yourself as close to zero as possible.

I hate bees. If you want to get ahead in life, you should too.

Walk right into the hornet’s nest this week — it can’t end that badly, right?

This week, don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. Make one out of an anthill; they are much easier to start from.

Don’t sweat the small stuff; obsess over it until you get every detail exactly right.

This week, try harder to be a nice person — you really suck at it right now.

Try not to let your devious side get the better of you. Pick the evil one instead.

Don’t be an enabler: Leave your alarm on in the morning so your roommate doesn’t sleep in past 6:30.

By removing all of your clothing at a pivotal moment, you can escape an embarrassing situation with a chicken and a model train.

The stars are not quite sure how you managed to get yourself into your current situation, but you can escape by moving three states west.

You can complain to the studio as much as you want; your favorite TV show as a kid is never going to be published in your obscure video format.

Let the wind guide you this week. Let it fill your sails, even if it guides your boat over a waterfall.