Everything you need to know

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

I’ve been hanging out with this girl one-on-one for a while, and I really like her, but I’m not sure if we’re dating. We watch movies and sometimes go to Subway together, but does that mean we’re going out? What should I do?

Not at ease with babes

Dear NEWB,

You need to convert this girl into your girlfriend. You have two options in front of you. The first is just to make a move. When you’re watching a movie together, just lean over and start kissing her. This can go one of two ways: tonsil hockey or sexual assault charges. Even worse, you could wind up with a long talk about your relationship and how you should be friends and stuff like that — a guy’s worst nightmare. That and prison rape, which could happen if those charges stick.

Option two is to ask her out on an actual date. Take her to a real restaurant. Subway doesn’t count. Chicks dig that sort of thing. Dress up a little bit. Avoid the d-word, that could scare her off. The worst that could happen is that she turns you down, and then you know that she’s not interested. If all goes well, this too could end in tonsil hockey.

Be sure to bring a mint,

Brian Hoskins

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

This question is for Patrick. I read your column all last year and Facebook stalked you for a while. I’m totally in love with you. You’re gorgeous and your columns are funny and I love you. Will you go out with me?

Not Patrick

Dear Not Me,

Why, thank you for this totally unasked-for question that I definitely didn’t write myself. Unfortunately, “The Hos” is something of a free agent — I don’t have a girlfriend, just someone who will be upset when she reads this. Plus, I have a policy of not dating my stalkers. It always ends with a little too much blood.

In all seriousness, I’m flattered, but not interested. You should try falling in love with people you actually know. Don’t stalk them, though — restraining orders are a huge hassle. You’ve read my columns, so you must be well-versed in my excellent love advice. Try following it. You’ll find someone who’s as interested in you as you are in him. Who knows, they may even be more gorgeous than I am. Unlikely.

Please stop stalking me,

Patrick Hoskins