Horoscopes

Aries
March 21 - April 19

Spend this semester shut in the Gates Hillman Complex working on one of the Millennium Prize problems. You won’t solve it, but you will avoid some other unpleasantness.

Taurus
Apr. 20 - May 20

Lectures are boring; don’t go to them. Homework is hard; don’t do it. Exams are stressful; don’t study. You should be able to coast right through this semester, as long as you don’t mind failing.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21

This week, your ruling aspect is sloth. Next week, your ruling aspect will be pride. Revel in your newly sinful nature.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22

Your week will go surprisingly well, except for an incident with a 2x4 and a cuttlefish.

Leo
July 23 - Aug. 22

Your best friend from home will call and ask to borrow a shirt and pair of pants. Turn him or her down. If you don’t, it will end up involving arson and jail time.

Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

After a relaxing summer, you return to find out that you left the gas on in your apartment. No fire started, but it will take weeks to get the smell out of your clothes.

Libra
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

Don’t let Jared Cohon and his goons fool you — hunting vermin with your bare hands is much better than signing up for a campus meal plan.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

This year, instead of finding a date based on mutual attraction, simply select potential dates based on your ability to knock them out and then prop them in a seated position for your candlelight dinner.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

When this semester’s workload gets you down (which it will, deeply and often), just think: “Only (on average) 50 more years until I won’t care because I will be relegated to a box in the ground by my ungrateful children.”

Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

Start this semester off with a whimper, not a bang. Either adopt a puppy or sink slowly into an ever-deepening depression where the only thing you can do is eat Cheetos and build elaborate toothpick structures.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

Find a Capricorn who has opted to build toothpick structures and assist them by inventing a structurally reinforced toothpick and a better adhesive.

Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20

You will develop a crippling case of insomnia, the only cure for which is to go on dates with every Scorpio you can find.