Horoscopes

Aries
March 21 - April 19

With Carnival on the way, organizations will be begging you to help them papier-mâché. Don’t do it; papier-mâché is code for human sacrifice.

Taurus
Apr. 20 - May 20

Purchase a Bugatti. You will never drive it because you are afraid of Pittsburgh’s horrible drivers, but at least you’ll have $10,000,000 in credit card debt.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21

Allow former President Clinton to sleep in your bed and drink milk straight out of the bottle. In 10 years, you’ll be his top advisor in the new global regime.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22

Protest the protest of a protest of a protest. The stars aren’t sure what good it will do, but boy does it feel good to be part of the political process.

Leo
July 23 - Aug. 22

You constantly worry about what others think of you. Don’t worry, though. They rarely do.

Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

Your love life is spiraling out of control. Don’t do anything about it. The inhabitants of the Alpha Centauri system really want to watch the drama unfold.

Libra
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

The stars indicate that you haven’t even tried to balance your checkbook in years. You need to get your finances in order or the IRS will feed you to the Beast of Karak’thor.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

Grind up all of your valuables, mix them with flour and water, and then consume the ensuing paste. The excrement will resemble the Virgin Mary, and you will make a killing on eBay.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

Your paper is supposed to be seven pages long, but once you change all the margins and increase the font size, you only have to write 6.5 pages.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

Ricky Martin’s recent airing of baggage inspires you to air your own baggage. That’s right, admit to everyone you know that you stole a pack of gum from Walmart in first grade.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

Your lack of an iPad purchase will cost you dearly, as your significant other will decide that you are cheap and unworthy.

Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20

Your new interior decorating project will fail miserably unless you defenestrate your couch and half of your dining room chairs.