March 21 - April 19
Your summer will be wet in every way. Rain will leak through the seams of your house, the lining of your jacket, and the soles of your shoes. Your fish tank will soak your living room. You will yearn for the desert.
Apr. 20 - May 20
Your friend will invite you on a road trip. Somewhere in Montana you will find a boarded-up town, break into what was once a theater, and re-enact Richard III on the dusty stage. The ghost will be real.
May 21 - June 21
As hard as you might try, you will be unable to escape Pittsburgh. The local iron and steel will bind you to the bridges and skyscrapers as if your body were a magnet. You will give up and don a Stillers jersey.
June 22 - July 22
You will arrive at your internship to realize it pays twice as much as you had expected. You will also realize they gave it to someone else.
July 23 - Aug. 22
You will be employed as a barista. Try as you might, you will never be hipster enough: Your jeans will be too loose and you won’t know any of the correct obscure bands. Each night, you will lack the motivation to even cut yourself.
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
You will move 2500 miles away from a friend. The distance might actually hurt.
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22
You will fly to Iceland to go volcano climbing. The beauty of the landscape will consume you. You will stay forever and never be missed.
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21
You will visit San Francisco and have sex with a one-legged woman. Afterwards, you will notice the tattoo on her shoulder that says "Once, Always."
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
To plan your summer you will visit a fortune teller, who will advise you to base your summer adventures on this horoscope.
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19
Your summer will be exactly one-third as awesome as you currently expect. Adjust your expectations accordingly.
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18
Your summer job as a communications expert will involve you learning Morse code. Another invaluable skill for your résumé.
Feb. 19 - March 20
You will discover that you are actually a dragonfly. This will concern you greatly, but you will return to Carnegie Mellon in the fall with a renewed motivation.