March 21 - April 19

Though you are not appropriately sized for Buggy, you may be able to set a record if you remove your legs.

Apr. 20 - May 20

Your booth, though regarded as the best on Midway, will be disqualified because the upper deck is an eighth of an inch too far to the left.

May 21 - June 21

Attending the Carnival concert is a terrible idea; your attempt to start a mosh pit will lead to a concussion and a missing canine tooth.

June 22 - July 22

Winning booth games is trivially easy for you. Unfortunately, everybody thinks that you cheat, and you don't get anything for it.

July 23 - Aug. 22

Your Carnival weekend will be punctuated by a surprise visit from your parents. Instead of a weekend of booths and debauchery, you will spend most of your time touring Pittsburgh's museums.

Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

A tragic fire will destroy your booth, but in a sitcom-esque all-night marathon, you and five friends will rebuild the entire thing. However, a second tragic fire will destroy that as well.

Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

Your death at the hands of a crazed Carnival committee member is tragic and will be remembered by the massive bloodstain left on Midway.

Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

Add your own blood into the red paint on your booth. That way, you can sell pieces of it to your fans 15 years in the future.

Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

Change your booth plans to include the image of Gandhi in a top hat and a zoot suit.

Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

This year, like so many others before, will result in a booth collapse. Unfortunately, this year it is your turn. Nobody is injured, but your pride will never recover.

Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

Instead of watching Buggy, fly to Barcelona and watch a bullfight. Those are more fun anyway.

Feb. 19 - March 20

The Carnival concert will be awesome for you. Joining the mosh pit is the best thing you could do. You may even give someone a concussion.