Everything you need to know
Dear Hoskins Brothers,
Girls are intimidating. I see them walking around everywhere; but I don’t know how to talk to them. How do I strike up a conversation? How can I avoid being a creep? And what about cooties?
—Talking to Women Is Terrifying
Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and reach deep down inside yourself. Do you feel that? Those are your testicles. You’re a man — start acting like one. As shocking as this may seem, girls are people too. Just strike up a conversation and contain your panic long enough to get her number before the dry heaves kick in. You don’t want to be creepy? Respect her personal space, take the hint when she wants you to leave, look her in the eyes, and approach her in a space where she can easily run if you are in fact a creep.
Okay, so you’ve said hello. This is where you use all your suave and charm. Introduce yourself and get her name. Talk about something you both have in common. Don’t stare at her chest. Make her laugh. Don’t stare at her chest. Remember — the worst that can happen is that she ignores you. And cooties? It’s called VD, and there’s a reason we have Health Services.
Sack up and talk to girls before you die alone,
Dear Hoskins Brothers,
I am a professor from the School of Computer Science. I wanted some student advice as to why the lecture hall empties out whenever I stand up to lecture.
—Ready to Open Books and Other Tools
It might help if your students learned to respect you. Think back over the course of the semester — did you do anything to lose their respect? Things like not knowing what you were teaching or interrupting the other professor might have done it. In short, did you come off as well-informed and knowledgeable about the information you were teaching, or did you look like you got the job at the last minute and had failed to prepare?
But that’s enough dwelling in the past — you need to move on. How can you get back your students’ respect? Start by showing them that you’re actually prepared. Give a lecture on something you specialize in. Hold it on a day when you have a quiz and then bar the doors. Sure, that might get you in trouble with the fire department, but what’s more important — having a class full of happy students, or getting out alive?
Need advice? E-mail email@example.com.