Special

Department of Organized Relationships to open doors in fall

With the recent creation of the Department of Organized Relationships (DOOR), you can expect to see a lot less ogling and drooling and a whole lot more awkward first dates and hand-holding across campus. DOOR is expected to begin doing work this coming fall — just in time if you ask me, since the class of 2014 is looking like one of the least-attractive groups to come through Carnegie Mellon in years, clearly an impressive feat.

This brand spankin’ — and I mean the naughty kind — new department will lead the fight against virginity on campus by matching students based on a whole bunch of dimensions of personalities most of you didn’t even know you had. All of the best and worst traits for every student on campus will be kept in safe-like, yet unlocked, desks and drawers in a room under surveillance. Using all this highly sensitive and not-so-well protected information, DOOR will try to match students as best they can — but you must remember that for some special people, there just is no hope.

The organization’s stated agenda includes many fine goals such as reducing the sales of the “Sex Kills… Come to CMU and Live Forever” T-shirts by at least 50 percent, increasing the amount of cuddling by 25 percent, and boldly stating that they hope to decrease the time spent in clusters by 1 percent.

When told of the latter goal, junior computer science major Nerdsome McGoo said, “Just you wait, the Final Fantasy XIV beta launches tomorrow. I’ll never surrender to the female horde!” before wheezing and beginning a high-pitched maniacal laugh that continued for seven of the most awkward minutes of my life.

Despite this virgin’s attitude, there is plenty of potential for the new department to be a success, even in such a black hole for love as Carnegie Mellon. Already there seem to be signs of change on campus.

For example, at the ribbon-cutting ceremony in front of the newly named Grope Hall, two unidentified students immediately began making out, right in front both of DOOR’s newly appointed deans: the Dean of Attractive Students and the Dean of Unattractive Students. The crowd broke into to oohs and aahs, as if they’d never before seen lips make contact with lips. The Dean of Unattractive Students, Anna Lovely, shouted, “Those are my kids!” while the Dean of Attractive Students shielded her eyes from that display of ugly love.

And don’t be upset if your initial arranged relationship isn’t exactly up to your standards — besides, you should have thrown any standards away as soon as you walked onto this campus. DOOR will be offering students 18 arranged meet-ups per semester, with serial rejectees eventually being sent for likability workshops and community service in desolate areas.

As a stopgap measure while DOOR continues to fully implement the “DOOR Matching” system planned for the fall, the two deans have partnered with The Tartan to begin providing space to print personal ads for students who “just can’t wait that long.” Lovely believed this program should start immediately, so with her deanly approval, we present to you our first installment of DOOR personal ads: