March 21 - April 19
This week, you will conquer the ancient gods of the Egyptian religion. Ra is not very good at housework, so assign him to be your gardener.
Apr. 20 - May 20
You must accept the truth: You wouldn't make it as a semi-professional arachnid tamer, no matter how many barrels of spider pheromones you purchase.
May 21 - June 21
You will perfect the formula for granting additional superhuman abilities to persons who already have them.
June 22 - July 22
Weeping will get you nowhere. Your beach house has been completely ruined by an aardvark infestation.
July 23 - Aug. 22
Your roommate next year will have an unidentifiable ethnicity. This is because you are not sure where Treants hail from, but you would feel awkward asking.
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
The exchange program you are considering seems ideal, but in reality it is a slave labor camp set up by the remnants of the USSR. Avoid it unless you enjoy breaking rocks and digging holes.
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22
The stars can't give away specifics, but be careful around staples, "Walking to the Sky," and oversized 10-gallon hats this coming week.
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21
You may be pretty awesome, but you aren't the best. Remember, you don't own a porcupine like Bethany Fox of Buffalo, N.Y. does.
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You will spend the rest of your life developing a more effective method for creating and organizing colonies of microbes. However, your enigmatic rival will beat you to every discovery.
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19
Buy a trailer home, cultivate a beer gut, and get a tramp stamp of the Confederate flag; your new stepparent is quite a redneck and you will need those to blend in with your new family.
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18
Attempt to set a new record for sleep deprivation. Approximately 33 days should be sufficient to break the record.
Feb. 19 - March 20
The exchange program you are considering seems ideal, but in reality it is a slave labor camp set up by the remnants of the USSR. Avoid it unless you enjoy piecing together fragments of rocks and filling in holes.