Horoscopes

Aries
March 21 - April 19

This week, you will conquer the ancient gods of the Egyptian religion. Ra is not very good at housework, so assign him to be your gardener.

Taurus
Apr. 20 - May 20

You must accept the truth: You wouldn't make it as a semi-professional arachnid tamer, no matter how many barrels of spider pheromones you purchase.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21

You will perfect the formula for granting additional superhuman abilities to persons who already have them.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22

Weeping will get you nowhere. Your beach house has been completely ruined by an aardvark infestation.

Leo
July 23 - Aug. 22

Your roommate next year will have an unidentifiable ethnicity. This is because you are not sure where Treants hail from, but you would feel awkward asking.

Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

The exchange program you are considering seems ideal, but in reality it is a slave labor camp set up by the remnants of the USSR. Avoid it unless you enjoy breaking rocks and digging holes.

Libra
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

The stars can't give away specifics, but be careful around staples, "Walking to the Sky," and oversized 10-gallon hats this coming week.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

You may be pretty awesome, but you aren't the best. Remember, you don't own a porcupine like Bethany Fox of Buffalo, N.Y. does.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

You will spend the rest of your life developing a more effective method for creating and organizing colonies of microbes. However, your enigmatic rival will beat you to every discovery.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

Buy a trailer home, cultivate a beer gut, and get a tramp stamp of the Confederate flag; your new stepparent is quite a redneck and you will need those to blend in with your new family.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

Attempt to set a new record for sleep deprivation. Approximately 33 days should be sufficient to break the record.

Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20

The exchange program you are considering seems ideal, but in reality it is a slave labor camp set up by the remnants of the USSR. Avoid it unless you enjoy piecing together fragments of rocks and filling in holes.