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Dear Hoskins Brothers,

The love of my life has fallen for another cape girl. Do you have any advice on the newest Carnegie Mellon fashions that will garner his attention?

Sincerely,

Not-So-Super Girl

Dear Super,

Don’t worry girl, I’ll hook you up. Keep in mind, with the weather turning to spring you’re going to need something lighter than a cape. My recommendation: your recreational World of Warcraft Valorous Kirin’tor Garb. This 10-man equivalent to the Tier 8 Mage’s set will keep more than 10 men chasing after you — but with its +305 stamina you’ll keep them running for a long time. Its form-fitting curves will show off all your assets, and its glowing shoulder pads are the accessory of the year.

Now I know this armor may be a little expensive — the only way to buy one is with Tokens of the Wayward Vanisher — I don’t have the time to get into how to get those sick puppies, but you need to ask yourself: Is your man worth it? If you’re asking me, which you are, any man who turns his head and goes running at the sign of another cape is not the man you deserve. You need a man who’ll stick by you through the toughest raids and longest quests.

Randy raiding,

—Patrick Hoskins

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

What’s your stance on men paying for dinner when out with a girl on campus. Do we each use a block? Do I put my meal on a block and hers on DineX?

Sincerely,

Blocked Out

Dear Blocked,

Is this a serious question? Why on earth are you taking a girl for a date on campus? If you’re going out to dinner, you go off campus and you pay. Simple. The only time you should eat on campus is for a lunch date . You each pay for your own, unless she’s off the meal plan, then you offer to cover her. You have guest blocks for a reason.

Of the restaurants on campus, which is the best for a lunch date? Ginger’s — sorry, “The Exchange.” You have enough time waiting in line together to strike up a conversation, but not long enough for the conversation to get really awkward. Imagine trying to keep your cool when you’re waiting for something from the Carnegie Mellon Café — you’ll spend an hour together before you even get your food. Ginger’s has delicious food and plenty of vegetarian options.

Note: This column is not sponsored by Ginger’s, but we would like to be. All payment in the form of sandwiches.

Take her off campus,

—Brian Hoskins

Need advice? Send queries to advice@thetartan.org.