Everything you need to know

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

I’ve been Facebook-stalking this cute girl in one of my classes — I know it sounds creepy but, come on, everyone does it. Turns out we have a lot in common. How do I move off Facebook and into real life?

—You have one new friend request

Dear Friend Request,

First, you need to ask yourself one thing: Are you hot? If you are, don’t worry — you’re not a stalker. All you have to do is walk up to her and introduce yourself. Of course, since you’re a guy at Carnegie Mellon, the answer to the previous question is probably no. Don’t try to argue — you know it’s true. Just keep one rule in mind when talking to girls: Don’t be creepy. Just repeat that over and over in your head and maybe take deep slow breaths while you do it.

Here’s the deal — never use some information you found out about her on Facebook. Facebook-stalking is creepy. When you do choose to approach your girl, act as if you’ve never stalked her. Start sitting near her in class and strike up a conversation one day, maybe make a joke about your teacher. Just be yourself — you know you have something in common, and she’ll figure that out too.

Or you could always start actually stalking her. That’s always fun.

Binoculars aren’t just for bird watchers,

—Patrick Hoskins

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

I recently went to a party at the University of Pittsburgh and discovered that all the girls there are way hotter than Carnegie Mellon girls. I feel like I’ve missed out on something big here. What can I do?

—In the Pitts

Dear Pitts,

Your first problem is that you’re a Carnegie Mellon student, and thus, Pitt girls are instantly repulsed by you. The solution: Pretend you’re a Pitt student. Start by taking off your cape and maybe hopping in the shower. If anyone asks, you’re a “communications” major. If you want to pass yourself off as a Pitt kid, you’re gonna have to learn about sports.

Keep in mind, though, you’re still a Carnegie Mellon student, so you’re still ugly. Don’t try to fly too close to the sun — those Pitt girls will burn you, and I don’t just mean that burning when you pee. Despite all the talk about how hot Pitt girls are, you might find you’ll have more fun and enjoy yourself more with a nice Carnegie Mellon girl. I mean, do you really want a girl whose head is like the Hindenburg — full of hot air?

Or, as suggested before, you could just take up stalking. I hear Point Park has some cuties.

Put a new swing in your step,

—Brian Hoskins