Everything you need to know

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

I’m looking for a new girlfriend. I’ve noticed that all the drama girls are much more attractive than the girls in my major; however, talking to them makes me want to vomit. What should I do? Is it okay to date someone for strictly physical reasons?


—Looking for Own Leading Lady

Dear LOLL,

First of all, there are many attractive girls in every major at Carnegie Mellon. But you shouldn’t pursue girls just because they’re attractive. You need to find a girl you enjoy talking to, one you’re genuinely interested in. You can’t have any real connection or happiness with another person based on looks alone.

Okay, that should satisfy the womenfolk. They’ve probably stopped reading by now. Here’s what you gotta do: The next time you’re in a conversation with a drama major, just nod, smile, and repeat her name often. They’re like adorable little puppies. They only listen for their name and to the tone of your voice. While she’s talking about whatever drama majors talk about, amuse yourself by doing some math problems in your head. Show her who the real actor is by looking interested.

Or if this doesn’t work, just break out the good old binoculars and find a good vantage point.


—Brian Hoskins

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

Help me please! I have a crush on a friend of mine, but he’s totally oblivious. I’ve been after this guy for months now and nothing has seemed to work. Granted, I have yet to outright tell him that I’m interested, but I’m afraid of making the first move. What should I do?


—Fear Really Approaching Interest for Date


Why exactly are you talking to me? Of all the guys there are, there’s really only one you should be having this conversation with — your crush. I know you may be worried that if he turns you down you’ll ruin your friendship, but if you put in the effort that won’t happen.

It will be awkward at first, but over time it’ll get back to normal. That may sound bad, but it’s better than spending your time pining away for some guy that doesn’t know any better. Maybe he feels the same about you, but like you, is too afraid to say anything.

This is the 21st century — don’t be afraid to be the one to start something. Guys like a little initiative. Or you could just start collecting his toenails.


—Patrick Hoskins