Everything you need to know

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

I’m in a pretty long-term relationship with my boyfriend (six weeks!), but I’m starting to get bored. Do you have any advice on how I can make things more interesting, you know, in bed?

Newly Bedded

Dear Newly Bedded,

Whoa, this isn’t that kind of advice column. If you want advice about that, you should probably ask your boyfriend. Anyway, if you think your relationship is too boring, you should try doing more fun things with one another than just hanging out in your dorm room with a sock on the door. I cannot stress enough the importance of dating instead of just “hanging out.” Start by going out for dinner every week, and then branch out to more adventurous dates. Check out the art and/or natural history museum for something nearby or the Mattress Factory if you feel like taking your chances on the bus system.

I know this may seem like impossible advice for some kids at Carnegie Mellon to follow (“There’s a world outside my laptop?”), but trust me, you two will be having more fun in no time. Also, as you get to know one another better, you might find yourself less bored overall. Or it could turn out that he’s just boring.

Hope he’s at least mildly interesting,

Brian Hoskins

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

I think I’m the funniest one of all my friends, but none of them think my jokes are any good! I’ve started to notice that when I tell a knee-slapper, I’m the only one who’s laughing. How can I be funnier?

Sincerely, **
**The Funny One

Dear Funny One,

Telling jokes isn’t about entertaining an audience; it’s about entertaining yourself! If you’re the only one laughing after you tell a joke, you’re not doing anything wrong. That being said, if you want to be more generally hilarious and appeal to a larger crowd, try learning a variety of established hilarious jokes. Stick with material you copy straight from the pros. Quoting movie lines and comedy sketches never gets old. Ever.

Also, you should try pointing out flaws in people in a hilarious way. If your friend got a bad haircut, make a joke about it! They know their new ’do is a joke; I assume they own a mirror. Their laugh is guaranteed! Once you have a solid base, you need a joke that becomes your signature, that you tell over and over. I know one about a penguin that never fails, but it’s your job to find your own.

Also, whoopee cushions are hilarious,

Patrick Hoskins