Horoscopes

Aries
March 21 - April 19

Your advice is golden, and people should pay attention to everything you do. All this and so much more is true about you. Well, at least until next week, when you don't have a clue about anything.

Taurus
Apr. 20 - May 20

Skittles are the only candies that taste like a scientific phenomenon. Please do not go out licking things in chemistry labs trying to see what new slogan you can create.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21

Just knowing their screen name, power level, rank, or which vegetable they just planted in their virtual farm doesn’t make you friends.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22

If you want to seem hip, tight, with it, swell, down, off the chain, radical, or if you're looking to rock out with your cock out, then all you need to do is never use one of these words or phrases ever again.

Leo
July 23 - Aug. 22

If you were one of the Seven Dwarfs, guess which one you would be.

Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

There are many things that are difficult about going to school here. Chewing appropriately should not be one of them.

Libra
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

With all of the layers you will be wearing this winter, make sure to designate one pocket for all of your belongings. There is nothing worse than having your phone ring while trying to find your ID card and holding up the line at Entropy.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

Take next week to improve your portfolio in order to make your application for TMZ's summer internship stronger. If you really want to be the best paparazzo you can be, find people on campus doing things that can be entertainingly skewed.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

You’re different and ironically cool, so why not create your own reality show? Something like a college version of The Real World mixed with Iron Chef and The Amazing Race. I trust that you’re smart enough to hash out the details.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

All will be answered if you just listen. Cut yourself off from anything with a battery or power supply, and just sit and listen. The truth will come.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

Others can't, but I sure can. I just wanted to let you know I know. Oh boy, do I know.

Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20

In case of a natural disaster, head to Wean. Its fallout-shelter-like qualities will save you from anything, even mile-high snow or nuclear attacks by aliens. It is up to you, however, to stock up on canned food and bring your own surge protector.