Everything you need to know

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

It’s almost winter break, and you know what that means. I’ll have to go a whole month without reading The Tartan and your column! What should I do to get through this barren, humorless, news-less, advice-less month called December?

Big Reader

Dear BR,

Good news! You probably don’t actually read The Tartan, so it’ll be easy to go a month without it. Seriously, just go on a news website like the rest of the world.

The real horror is going without my column. Luckily, every issue of my column is posted online at www.thetartan.org. Now, I know what you may be thinking — “Reading online? Preposterous!” But no, people do it every day. There won’t be any new columns posted, so instead just read through and memorize every single one of my past columns. That way, when the day inevitably comes where I accidentally make up the same question again (I mean publish a question I’ve received before...), you’ll know and can send me an angry e-mail! Too bad I don’t check my e-mail, otherwise I could post it in the column. Yes, I don’t check my e-mail, and that’s why I haven’t gotten all the phone numbers the hordes of my beautiful advice-groupies must have sent me.

Anyone? Anyone at all?
Brian Hoskins

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

Why are girls so dumb?

Your Friendly Neighborhood Physicist

Dear Physicist,

Well, your first problem is that you’re only dating CFA and H&SS girls. Try dating some engineering girls instead. Guys and girls are different, almost like they’re from different planets. Men are from somewhere like Mars, and women are from somewhere far away, like Venus.

No, that’s just really stupid. You’re both from Earth; women are just weird. They have these “feelings,” and whatever you may think, they probably think the opposite. Want a relationship? They just want to hook up. Want to just hook up? They don’t want to be seen with you. Want to follow them around from afar? They file a restraining order.

Here’s the deal — girls are dumb and crazy. As a man, your job is to figure out how much crazy you can deal with, and then find a girl with less than or equal to that amount of crazy. If she’s not crazy, she’s probably a dude. Whatever you do, don’t fall for a girl crazier than you can handle. She’s crazy, and it won’t end well.

Stay below the Mendoza line,
Patrick Hoskins