Everything you need to know

**Dear Hoskins Brothers,

I have a huge man-crush on one of my professors. He's so cool! But he has no idea who I am. Is there any way I can get him to notice me? To say my name? To hang out with me?

Odds Against Me**

Dear OAM,

Ah yes, the professor crush, a college classic. He’s smart, funny, and when you look into his eyes you get lost for hours. I’ve been there, my friend. The key is to try to spend time with him. For example, go to office hours. If you don’t have any homework or lecture questions, tell him you’ve loved his class and ask what courses he recommends you take next. You could reach the holy grail of professor- student relationships by doing research for him. Read up on his research interests and learn about them beforehand — if you’re knowledgeable and interested, he’ll be more likely to accept.

Or you can just stalk him. It’d be pretty easy to find his address online. Show up at his house and invite yourself in. He won’t mind. When he’s not looking, steal a family photo, Photoshop yourself into it, and then return it to its proper place at a later date. Take every course he offers, even that one-unit course for grad students. Eventually he’ll talk to you, if only to inform you of the restraining order.

Stop staring dreamily at him,
Brian Hoskins

**Dear Hoskins Brothers,

I'm visiting my girlfriend's family for the first time over Thanksgiving. Is this a good idea? Do you have any tips on ingratiating myself?

Pass the Gravy**

Dear PTG,

Bad move. Thanksgiving is probably the worst time to meet the family. All that stress and fatty food does not make a good time. Her family will be making 10 different dishes, entertaining the kids, keeping the adults liquored up, and interrogating you mercilessly. It’s just too much to handle. Eventually, her mother may snap, yelling, “Dammit! Why am I the only one cooking!?” and waving around the carving knife.

If you’re still going through with it, here are some tips. Offer to set the table. It’s an easy job that will keep you out of the kitchen with all its knife-waving. Depending on the family, you may be asked to lead them in prayer or say what you’re thankful for. My go-to prayer is “Rub-a-dub dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!” Say you’re thankful for this beautiful family letting you into their home on this special occasion. That should get you enough brownie points for a second slice of pie.

Don't take a turkey leg unless no one else wants it,
Patrick Hoskins