March 21 - April 19

Please note that Harry Potter memorabilia contains no magical properties whatsoever. So you might want to reconsider your schedule next semester because that Time Turner isn't going to help much.

Apr. 20 - May 20

If you are a Taurus and you know the password, you may enter this horoscope. Otherwise, you will have to wait in the hallway until someone lets you in.

May 21 - June 21

Your professor is indeed a wizard — and is in fact very advanced. He or she is able to inflict pain and fear without saying a single word.

June 22 - July 22

Come on, admit it: You were happy when your acceptance letter came for Carnegie Mellon, but you would have been so much more excited if it came by owl.

July 23 - Aug. 22

Question: What spell do the boys of campus wish they were good at? Answer: Engorgio. In my opinion they have been aiming that spell at the wrong place.

Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

Using Unforgivable Curses on your professor may not be illegal, but in this day and age you might want to watch out anyway because a good lawyer might win by arguing intent.

Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

Teaching your dog to respond to Accio is a good use of your time.

Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

You’re an RA, not a prefect, so take off that stupid robe and stop patrolling the hallways looking for students who are out of bed.

Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

I know you're a Twilight fan! We don't appreciate those types in this part of the magical universe. Go back to your overcast, lake-filled world and stop sparkling in our sunlight.

Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

Please try to refrain from talking during the movie this weekend. I know that your Harry Potter knowledge is extensive, but people are going to get very angry at you. Save it for the Internet, where someone might actually care.

Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

Don’t believe the guy at the Harry Potter after-party; that's not butterbeer.

Feb. 19 - March 20

Protect yourself from obsessive Harry Potter fans. If your knowledge of the boy wizard and his friends is not encyclopedic, saying something wrong may get Ruptispectis cast on you.