Horoscopes

Aries
March 21 - April 19

You don't have to be in CFA to express yourself. This week, say what you feel, let your opinions and feelings be known, and have the confidence to be comfortable with anything that may come from it.

Taurus
Apr. 20 - May 20

You’re more mustard than ketchup and nothing like mayo at all. Relish this revelation.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21

Stay away from your shower! That’s where the monster hides! That being said, your hygiene indicates that you've known this for quite some time.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22

Your phone hates you. Think twice the next time you throw it across the room, call it stupid, and then still expect it to be reliable when you need it.

Leo
July 23 - Aug. 22

You must be an advocate for proper care of all robot-themed plot devices. It is your duty to your peers to ensure that the incident with the All-Spark doesn't happen again.

Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

Reevaluate out-of-place events in your week. It may not have been a date; some people just don’t want to eat lunch alone in the corner.

Libra
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

It will all be okay, trust me.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

It’s okay that you constantly forget the names of people you meet. Just know that it’s also okay that so many people rightfully think you’re a jerk.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

You are what you listen to, so you might want to think twice about filling your playlists with songs about jerk cheaters, depressed loners, and people who own the town. Unless that’s the kind of person you want to be.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

The mystic land of YouTube awaits you. Log on and see the world and the finest examples of mankind, one Fred video and bad song cover at a time.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

Don't accept the turtle in Farmville; it will bring calamity, mayhem, and chaos to the world.

Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20

I see this week being quite routine — nothing remarkable is written in your future. Nothing bad or ominous is either. Hold fast in the knowledge that this week is something that you can definitely handle.