Everything you need to know

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

Halloween has come around again, and I’ve decided to go as someone who can’t take a joke. Do you have any tips?

Badly reacts to insults

Dear BRI,

A great costume! Nothing is worse than someone who can’t take a joke. They ruin everyone’s good time. You want to make sure everyone knows you can’t take a joke. Find a public venue, like a weekly column in a newspaper insert, and announce your thin skin to the entire world. Tell everyone how you can dish it out but can’t take it.

Once everyone knows you can’t take a joke, try making a few of your own. Make fun of the guy who just cracked a joke at you, but do it poorly. For example, make fun of his lisp without actually knowing what a lisp is. Call him fat when he’s actually in excellent shape and has an amazing body. Draw a lot of attention to yourself. Everyone should be looking at you and not laughing at the other guy!

Some costume ideas: Get a buzz, wear a green Ireland sweater that doesn’t look cool, ride a dinky bicycle, have a pompous attitude, and wear a worn-out pair of jeans, since that’s the only pair you own and you can’t be bothered to buy new ones. And don’t call your mother, even though you haven’t spoken to her in ages.

Everyone loves pettiness,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

Someone recently demanded I bake him a cake because I made a joke about him. Does that really deserve a whole cake?

Top chef

Dear TC,

No, of course not. Whoever demanded you do this is clearly a jerk. I bet he has a dumb haircut too. Baking cakes for people is a sacred trust, something that cannot be forced upon anyone. It is a hallowed act, and one to be entered into willingly. To extort cake from someone goes against the sweet deliciousness that is the center of the cake’s entire being. Only a monster who thinks he’s awesome and is majoring in materials science and engineering would demand something so horrible.

Whatever you do, don’t bake him that cake! Bake your own cake, and keep its deliciousness away from him until he apologizes for trying to force a completely ridiculous public apology on you. Batter is thicker than water, but thickest of all is righteous indignation. You, sir, are a hero. Continue to fight for all that is true and just! God bless you, sir. God bless you.

No way in hell you’re getting that cake,
Brian Hoskins