Horoscopes

Aries
March 21 - April 19

Your previously good week comes to a crashing halt on Tuesday when a jet crashes into your apartment, destroying your Pokémon card collection.

Taurus
Apr. 20 - May 20

Your life collapses when you abruptly dematerialize on Wednesday, rendering you incapable of interacting with physical objects on anything above the subatomic level.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21

Despite your ego’s assertions to the contrary, you have not evolved into a higher form of being than your peers; you have merely discovered the benefits of a hearty breakfast.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22

I hate to be the bearer of bad news — strike that, no I don’t. Your best friend will come down with smallpox. On the bright side, you get a killer book deal.

Leo
July 23 - Aug. 22

You are about to come into a very large sum of money. Don’t spend it on silly things like tuition and books; drop out of college and live on the interest for the rest of your life. Remember: Gym, tanning, then laundry.

Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

Your last-minute sprint to finish your homework will be for nothing when the professor decides that he would rather surf in Maui and gives everyone As. Just kidding. You fail the class.

Libra
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

Allow your physical fitness to lapse to levels at which you can barely ascend one flight of steps without becoming winded. This will make you attractive to your favorite subset of the population.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

Two words, kid: renegade paramecium.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

The position of Venus in the ninth house and Mars in the 12th means absolutely nothing, but your Friday will be wonderful.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

You will come down with a case of smallpox. However, your best friend will be there for you the entire time you slip slowly into oblivion, and will cash in big on your terminal illness.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

Come up with a sarcastic response for everything anyone says, even compliments. This way, no one has to know that you are friendless and will die alone.

Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20

The mail carrier will bring you 150 pounds of mail over the course of the week. This is because you ordered paperweights in bulk online when you got drunk last weekend.