Everything you need to know

Dear Joe,

I have been fortunate enough in my time at Carnegie Mellon to room with a fellow toast enthusiast. We both love toast, and split a $200 toaster that makes outrageously great toast. The problem is that we’re both seniors, and moving in separate ways come next fall. So who takes the toaster?

—Toasty in Tech Street

Dear Toasty,

Two words: toast off. Whoever said that competition is bad for friendship is obviously just a loser. The toast off is the only way that there will be no bitter feelings about whoever retains the toaster.

So what exactly is a toast off? Well, to be honest, I don’t know, either, but I’m willing to wing it. Have a toast-making competition. Each competitor takes a half loaf of Wonder bread and some Nutella, peanut butter, and jam. Make some toast, and have an audience judge the winner based off of expertise, taste, timeliness, and precision. The competitor with the most points will be crowned Toastmaster, and won’t even have to give a public speech afterward. Oh yeah, he also gets the toaster.

You may be thinking of more practical solutions, such as paying half for the machine, or even just giving it away. If you like saltine crackers, C-SPAN, and Coldplay, then go right ahead. However, if you have any sense of adventure, than you’ll know that this is an opportunity that you simply cannot miss. And yes, I’ll gladly judge your toast.


— Joe

Dear Joe,

Every time I look at the calendar, I get a little more nervous about graduating from Carnegie Mellon. Life is good here. I have close friends, fun classes, and lots of memories that I don’t want to leave. How do I get over this?

—Melancholy in Morewood

Dear Melancholy,

Even with my unmatched advice prowess, I don’t have too much to offer in this matter. We all have to move on from here, and while some are clicking their heels over getting out, most of us are a little bit nervous about the future. In terms of what you can do, I have one idea. Try to follow in the footsteps of the mildly funny, geriatric film The Bucket List. So, before you kick the Tartan bucket, make sure you did all those things you wanted to do when you were a freshman. Ride the Pittsburgh funicular, visit the Warhol museum, and eat O fries until you bleed cholesterol.

And your bucket list includes social deeds, too. Make up with that jerk who aggravated you in class all year. Hit on that bartender you’ve had a thing for. If you can get though your to-do list, then you can grab your degree with no regrets.

It’s time for bigger and better things, Melancholy. Besides, do you really think you can survive another year of campus food?

With apologies to Jack Nicholson,