Dear Prince,

It’s me again. I know that you have yet to return any of my letters, but I do not hold it against you, as I know that you are extremely busy. I also know that in a little bit, when you release another glorious video of you doing your thing surrounded by gorgeous women, you will have been thinking of me when you made it and that you have not forgotten our love.

I hope that I am not being too forward, as only our souls have been acquainted and our eyes have yet to graze each others’ longingly. I tried to stow away in the storage compartment of your tour van once, back in 1993, but your security guards found me and told me not to take it so hard as they pried me from your steaming guitar case. Trouble is, I can’t get you out of my heart. I have bought several wigs to practice caressing your silky curls on. I brush my hand tenderly through your bangs each night.

I have tried to find a partner who is even half the man that you are, but there is no comparison. I have practiced 23 positions in all of my one-night stands: in the shower, holding on to the railing, in the kitchen. But baby, nothing comes close.

There is a dream that I keep having. We are standing at the edge of a lake. You have brought me here on your purple stallion, and you tease me with your half-smile. The twinkle in your eye is made even more brilliant by the glowing sun. The water reflects streaks of light across your sweet face. We are alone, at the crystalline waters of Lake Minnetonka. You do not fool me as you once fooled Apollonia. There are sturgeon fish all around, old as time. You tell me you will love me until the last sturgeon fish dies. I melt into your arms. There is a sunset.

Baby, don’t run from me. I know you are my soul mate and that we are meant to be together. Forever. I have never been so sure of anything in my life. My love for you is a river that follows you forever.

Please don’t throw away my letter. More importantly, please don’t throw away my love. I would die for you.

Tenderly, with all my heart,