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“25 Things” note on Facebook showcases user’s vanity

Credit: Terry Brown/Art Staff Credit: Terry Brown/Art Staff
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Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, useless facts, boring habits, or trivial goals that relate to you and your life. At the end, choose 25 people to be burdened with this mundane task. You have to tag the person who tagged you because they have done you the honor of inflicting this narcissistic pain upon you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you, and doing it via a Facebook note is far more personal than having an actual conversation.

1.) I think that thinking of 25 things about yourself and publishing it on Facebook for the whole Internet has got to be the most strenuously vain activity possible. Why? Read on.

2.) You never stop learning youthful memories of other people’s childhood past: “When I was five, I wanted to go to the moon so I could do endless backflips.” When you were five, you probably also got bored on 20-minute car trips and thought the moon was a Buzz Lightyear away, so…

3.) The next involves the blatant advertisement of likes and dislikes. You “just can’t stand” mushy bananas? No one except for the nice man at the Saturday morning farmer’s market cares about how you can’t stand mushy bananas. Actually, he probably doesn’t care either. No one. No one cares.

4.) Ever get one of those sappy all-encompassing feel-good statements? “My favorite things in the world all begin with the letter ‘f’: Faith, family, friends, food, and football.” Hey, you forgot the all-essential “Facebook.”

5.) Only in an extended self-centered note can you be totally appalled over and over by people’s creative spelling: “histerical,” “earings,” “mermades.” Come on, Dictionary.com is just a tab and a click away.

6.) Once in a while, you’ll find a really worthwhile fact — a useful hint, if you will: “My hands get really really sweaty.” The rest of us will know for the next handshake.

7.) Reading some people’s notes makes you want to do good in the world. At the same time, you just may choke on the sappiness: “I can’t imagine my life without him. He means everything to me and I don’t know what I did before meeting him.” He loves you too, but probably cringed at seeing this.

8.) If you ever need reassurance, reading the note is cheaper than therapy. “I think my head is really big and my ears are abnormally long.” Superficial reassurance is just a couple of “No way! You are so proportional you make Jessica Alba look disproportional!” comments away. By the way, that Facebook friend hasn’t seen you in four years. Spot on.

9.) Feel free to reveal embarrassing things: “I’m secretly in love with Justin Timberlake. He’s so dreamy!” Now the world knows! Well, at least your 25 people do.

10.) “Okay, okay... I gave in... peer pressure... here are my 25 things.” You’re no better than those who eagerly did it right away. You know you wanted to right from the start.

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25.) I couldn’t actually think of 25 things for this article. I wish I cared more.