Everything you need to know

Dear Rachael,

At what point do you decide that your feelings for your significant other aren’t going to grow into everlasting love, and call it quits? I want to like my S.O., I really do, but it seems like I want to be single in the morning and with him in the evening or single when everything’s normal and with him when something’s particularly bad or particularly good. What do I DO? Heeelllp meee pleeeassse.

—Definitely Dazed Darling

Oh you dazed and confused victim, you,

So maybe I’m doing too much with all of this alliteration. Nevertheless, I think you, my dear, should invest in your gut feeling. No matter how big your gut is, the feeling that it provides is probably the easiest way to find out how you really feel about a situation. Without thinking about repercussions or other people’s feelings, think about you.

If I was your gut I’d tell you to break it off. Then, I’d demand delicious Girl Scout Cookies — because a gut has got to do what a gut has got to do. If you have to remind yourself to like your boo, or convince yourself that he’s worthy, then that’s already too much work. If you were really into him, then you wouldn’t be constantly doubting yourself. So really, in this situation, maybe you should go for the Trefoils and do some serious gut-listening. Not only will you figure out what to do, but you’ll get cookies either way, and that can’t be bad.

Get it on!


Dear Rachael,

What do you do when your girlfriend cheats on you? Can you make it work by cheating on her for payback?

—Clearly Confused Codswallop

To another dazed and confused victim,

Did you note the sarcasm? If so, you’re just one step closer to becoming a real man. Okay, so that was harsh, but obviously you need tough love or something like it because you are just acting like a child. A child that was never hugged.

If you want to work out your relationship with your significant other, then paying her back by cheating on her is probably not the smartest thing to do — especially if she has any sense. Deny her your sex for a while, give her the silent treatment, make her realize what a sham life would be without you in it. If you’re all hotness or she genuinely cares and the cheating can be explained as confused boredom or a drunken mistake, she’ll crawl or walk or run or skip back to you. And if she doesn’t, well, maybe you are better off without her. Or you could just talk to her and give her a piece of your mind. But you should definitely deny her your sex.

Work it out!