Pillbox

Everything you need to know

Dear Rachael,

I‘m a single white female — to coin a phrase — and I’ve got a couple prospects in mind. At any given time, each of these crushes seems either totally attainable or else hopeless, depending on fate, the alignment of the stars, my hair, whatever. I feel like I might have more of a chance if I commit to just one of these dudes, but what if I pick the wrong one? What if I shower Door #1 with attention and start ignoring Door #2, right when Door #2 was about to knock on my door? Also, is it somehow wrong to like more than one person? Help!

—Unhappy juggler

You juggle-savvy thing you,

My first suggestion is not to coin anything, particularly the SWF thing — although the facts that you are white and a female may be obvious. I just think of the movie Single White Female and I cringe. You should take a look. If you don’t solve this dilemma, maybe you can watch it on a Friday or Saturday night. All alone. By yourself.

Look you: Do you remember what anyone told you when you were applying to colleges? Keep your options open. Your mom said it; your cousin said it; your best friend from fourth grade said it; your teachers said it. Take that all-encompassing wisdom, and a little bit of crude mathematics, and apply it to your door/dude situation. The probability of your success depends on how many doors there are. If there’s only one door, there’s only two answers: Yes and No. But if there are two doors, there are four answers: Yes, No, Yes, and No. Yes, there’s one more no, but there’s one more yes, too. It’s too early in the game to pick one of these guys, and you might make a huge mistake. So get on it!

And no, there’s nothing wrong with liking more than one person. Unless you’re getting with them and you’re married. Are you married?

Ahoy matey!

—Rachael

Dear Rachael,

I‘m not a person who hates a lot of people. It’s a strong word, so I don’t like using it. However, there are special negative/repulsive feelings I hold for a privileged few. I cross their paths on campus once a week, and have found that I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to acknowledge them and I don’t feel compelled to say “hi” to them. On the other hand, my outgoing personality and perky nature says that I’m supposed to at least make eye contact with them. Is there any etiquette for walking past people you don’t like?

—Draggin’ with Disgust

Dear dear, dear disgusted drag,

In this kind of situation, which I know well, you have two options. Option 1 is not to speak to said person(s) at all. If you’re not the kind of person who often has significant negative feelings toward others, these “privileged few” are probably awry in some way. Don’t address them, not even with eye contact; that eye contact that you think may send off slightly friendly vibes often does the opposite. Your quasi-enemy will be left wondering why you just looked at them with a crooked eye instead of saying simply saying hey. Either way, you might end up having to explain why you don’t want to speak to them in the first place.

But, if you are particularly a fan of contempt, you should go with Option 2; you should definitely say “hi” to them, laying on the sarcasm thick. Shout something like “Oh yes, hello! I really like you!” to them before rolling your eyes and sauntering off. After a while, if your victim isn’t completely dense, they will get the point and stop talking to you, and you won’t even have to be concerned with whether to speak to them or not; they’ll have made the decision for you.

Now saunter away!

—Rachael