Everything you need to know

Dear Joe,

With the relatively new Entropy+ up and running, I’m surprised that the store still has problems with their lines. People often don’t know where to wait, which often results in unpredictable lines. Several times I’ve accidentally cut in the line not knowing that it extended beyond the coffee station. What’s your advice to reduce, well... entropy?

—Line Lingering at Fairfax

Dear Lingering,

I, too, share your problems at Entropy+. As an avid coffee drinker, I often wait in ferocious lines at 9:25 a.m., hoping to catch my class on time. While simple solutions may work, such as putting in stanchions like you see at movie theaters, I have a solution that will get to the bottom of things immediately: having a “Drinks Only” line.

You’ve undoubtedly seen the effectiveness of such a system at grocery stores. Those who have under 10 items are able to be served quicker. Such should be the case in Entropy+, but to an even stronger degree. How many times have we seen someone only wanting a coffee waiting behind a student doing their weekly grocery run? If there were a separate “Drinks Only” line, the days of long and painful waiting would be over. This may sound crazy, but I’ve seen this method successfully employed at local coffee shops that serve food.

Entropy has always been meant as a convenience store, but convenience is all but dead when we have to wait behind first-years spending two weeks’ worth of DineX on TV dinners. While the battle between McCain and Obama may be a close one, I’m sure almost everyone would vote for a “Drinks Only” line. So get your voice out, people, and tell the world (or Entropy+ employees) that you support the right to a quick and speedy soda.

With coffee in hand,

Dear Joe,

I’ve been seeing someone for about three years now. Things started out well, but now she’s turned into a raging lunatic. She yells at everything I do and doesn’t contribute anything to our relationship. I’d like to break up, but I fear for my life. How do I get out of this alive?

—Shipwrecked in Scobell

Dear Shipwrecked,

It’s an enormous task to tell someone that they’ve reached a point where you don’t want to see them anymore. Your case is even worse, it appears. Not only has she turned to the dark side, but she has three years of experience to dig into your every crevice of imperfection if she so decides. I may be an advice columnist, but I can’t offer any way that you can leave this relationship without a mess. Besides wearing protective goggles and ensuring that no sharp objects are nearby, at best I can tell you to remain honest, but not too honest.

For instance, you would like to tell her that she’s an embodiment of pure evil. Instead, tell her that you’ve both outgrown your relationship. Rather than covering your ears and demanding divine justice on her soul the next time she yells, ask her politely to lower the tone of her voice. Even with these precautions, expect a pretty harsh time. But don’t back down, and tell her the truth: you want the relationship to end. Keep your eyes on the prize, also. If you can get through the train wreck, then you have wonderful bachelorhood to look forward to. That means no more shaving, shopping, or expensive dinners when you just want pizza. Unless, of course, you’re running away from a girl who likes beards and pizza. In that case, you’re the crazy one for leaving her.