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Lessons from Hollywood: Rehab as a coming-of-age

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I’d like to begin by admitting that I am completely intrigued by the goings-on of Hollywood. When I tire of the monotonous day-to-day life of the Mellon, I retreat to my gossip blogs and soak it all in. And my guilty pleasure has led me to a solid conclusion: If you’re ready for rehab, you’re ready for womanhood.

That’s right, Young America. The generation after us that relies on the Britney Spearses and Lindsay Lohans as role models is preparing for a bleak lifestyle within the next few years. Surely, a spectacle awaits. Because rehab is the new cool. All the celebrities are checking into rehab for one reason or another: Addictions to an assortment of drugs and alcohol are running rampant.

Maybe crazy is also the new cool. Britney Spears is crazy, and also in rehab for the third time this month. Like so many others trapped in the tortuous sphere of stardom, she entered rehab only to escape its confinement less than 24 hours later. Unlike the others, she also shed the confinement of her hair. Now she’s bald. If crazy is cool, Britney’s on top of Hollywood.

What started it all with the “Toxic” has-been? Probably that whole Justin Timberlake mess. He made a song about her infidelity — for shame! — and rose to solo superstardom. Spears might’ve thought she was making Timberlake jealous by getting married to a grimy back-up dancer, rising to the top of the trashy meter, and getting knocked up. Recently, Baldie even attacked someone with an umbrella. Yeah, you really showed him, Britney. I bet Timberlake is crying in a corner, regretting “Cry Me A River,” and maybe even “What Goes Around/Comes Around.” I bet.

She’s not a girl, not yet a woman — despite her two toddlers. I thought that bearing children made a woman more mature, but Spears has reverted back to her unfulfilled adolescent years. If our beloved, lost little girl can stay in rehab for more than 24 hours this time, I’m sure she will emerge a full-fledged woman (with a pixie haircut, of course). If we’ve learned anything from celebrity culture, it’s that rehab fixes everything.

Unfortunately, Baldie didn’t start the Rehab Coalition. She’s just one on a long list of other girls-turned-women by their frequent visits to centers to cure their equally long list of addictions. Lindsay Lohan, our favorite chain-smoking diva, publicly entered Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and a center to cure such addiction. She spent 30 days in the place and left refreshed and renewed, all before her 21st birthday. Someone give that girl a pat on the back! We’ll choose to ignore her frequent visits to Starbucks and other popular paparazzi haunts while she was checked into the facility. A girl does need her coffee, you know. Clearly, rehab is useful: The Lohan has been constantly partying since she was released from the center. People can party without drinking! Not everyone lives in Pittsburgh.

My personal favorite is Nicole Richie. And despite what you might have read, she has been eating! Why else would that twin from Good Charlotte leave the ever-diminishing Hilary Duff and replace her with Richie? Oh, right.

Anyway, the reality star — so-called because I can’t remember why she is famous — has been to rehab for some reason. It may have been the heroin they found on her in 2003, or the recent eating disorder accusations. Who cares? She’s a woman now! Seriously, she dresses a lot better than when she first appeared on The Simple Life. Rehab has done her some good! Now only if she could escape that DUI thing and none-too-pleasant mug shot.

Rehab is the new cool. Rehab is a rite of passage. Even that Olsen twin was in rehab for whatever reason. Cocaine? Anorexia? Mental scarring from Full House? Mischa Barton’s little sister, whose name I find confusing and irrelevant, just admitted herself to rehab for an addiction to prescription drugs, all in celebration of her 19th birthday. She’s all grown up.

Will our little sisters grow up thinking that rehab is the key to the smooth transition between awkward adolescence and wonderful womanhood? Let’s hope so! Look at how magnificently these women have turned out!
Oh wait, that’s right. They are all completely crazy. And this time, I definitely do not mean cool.