Sexy top fives
Top 5 date movies
- If you’re looking for a date movie, why don’t you try Date Movie? It’s pretty horrible, so you won’t feel bad when you stop paying attention to the movie and start making out with your date.
- The Princess Bride is good if you’re looking for a movie with eternal love, swordfights, and royalty. And it’s funny!
- Disney movies like Aladdin are romantic and never fail to please. Especially when they prove that you can lie to a princess and still end up living happily ever after.
- Closer is pretty sexed-up, which could potentially get you in the mood.
- Teen movies always do the trick, so She’s All That will also work. Not only is it a throwback, but it is teen-movie comedy at its best.
Top 5 cinematic sex scenes
- Engaging in a death-defying shootout and getting your sex on immediately afterwards is hot. Especially if it is Brangelina style in Mr. & Mrs. Smith. So enjoy it. Immediately.
- The rivalry and corruption of teen movie Cruel Intentions is cinematic indeed. Especially that scene with Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Philippe: it’s probably your last chance to see the hot couple in action since that nasty little divorce. A classic, to say the least.
- If the mushy-gushy, love-is-everlasting theme (ugh!) isn’t enough for you in The Notebook, check out the deleted scenes. You should find the sex there a bit more provocative.
- Brokeback Mountain. Enough said.
- Y Tu Mamá También — and I mean the movie in its entirety — is a cinematic sex scene. The Mexican film gives us orgies, masturbation, and more in one sitting! And with hottie Gael Garcia Bernal, the view is amazing. We have a winner.
Top 5 euphemisms
- Masturbation? Wrist aerobics.
- Virgin? Sexually challenged.
- Buttering the muffin. This one is taken from Mean Girls, Jason (that skeez) asks Miss Lohan if she would like her muffin buttered. Maybe Taylor Wedell would go for that — but not my Cady Heron.
- Park the car in the garage: a timeless phrase for all generations.
- Va-jay-jay — an introspective replacement for the word vagina, inspired by Grey’s Anatomy’s Dr. Bailey. “Stop looking at my va-jay-jay!”
Top 5 used-to-be-hot celebrities
- Fabio. Actually, I’m not sure he was ever hot.... But he did advertise “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter,” so he deserves some kind of mention.
- Whitney Houston, in her prime, was actually a good-looking woman. But with age, she acquired addictions, problems, and Bobby Brown. Nothing has been the same since she told Diane Sawyer, “Crack is whack!”
- David Hasselhoff. Actually, I’m not quite sure if I ever found him hot, but he was on Baywatch, clad in red and saving victims from the rampant sea. For that, I feel that he also deserves some recognition.
- Tyra Banks. Seriously, this woman has problems — and she’s definitely not hot anymore. You know you’re past your prime when you use your talk show to get back at trashy magazines calling you “fat.”
- Remember when Britney Spears was lip-synching with a boa around her neck? She was secretly my role model. But after a failed marriage with a dunce and a failed friendship with Paris Hilton, she’s gone to trailer-park trash. For shame!
Top 5 hot celebrities
- McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey on Grey’s Anatomy) is hot because he is — well — McDreamy. He demands your attention to his dreamy ways.
- Scarlett Johanssen is definitely hot — and she’s a real person too! Or so she says...
- Mexican actor Gael García Bernal — my own personal obsession. His second appearance in this top-five extravaganza is worth it every bit: Not only is he talented, but he’s fine too!
- Justin Timberlake is really hot, especially now that he dropped Cameron Diaz and did the infamous “Dick in a Box” skit on SNL. And if you haven’t seen “Dick in a Box,” you should be ashamed of yourself and on your way to YouTube.com!
- Eva Mendes! That girl is ridiculously hot. I don’t know what movies she’s been in besides Hitch, but I love her anyway.
Top 5 songs to set the mood
- “Purple Rain” by Prince is almost nine minutes long, so I assume it will get the job done. Besides, it’s Prince.
- “Set The Mood Prelude”/“Until the End of Time” by Justin Timberlake. Obviously, Justin had this list in mind.
- “Colorblind” by Counting Crows screams “the mood” — maybe because it reminds me of the aforementioned scene in Cruel Intentions.
- “Secret” by Maroon 5 is one of the sexiest songs I have ever heard. And I am a little obsessed with Maroon 5.
- “This Woman’s Work” by Maxwell is very, very effective in setting the mood, so I’ve heard. I actually refuse to listen to it because I don’t want to be in the mood while doing homework.
Top 5 movie quotes taken out of context that sound sexual
- In Beauty and the Beast, evil Gaston’s undersized sidekick sings, “No one’s neck is incredibly thick as Gaston!” to cheer him up. Yeah... his neck.
- “Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.” Oh Zoolander. Moisture and wetness can only mean one thing in this top five.
- “Over, sideways, and under on a magic carpet ride,” sings Aladdin to Jasmine. Is it just me, or does that sound like the Kama Sutra?
- In Shrek — a new classic, if I do say so myself — Donkey warns the villagers, “All right, nobody move. I’ve got a dragon and I’m not afraid to use it.” I’m pretty sure this was meant to be taken out of context.
- “Darling it’s better down where it’s wetter, take it from me!” sings Sebastian — only the best crab ever — to Ariel in The Little Mermaid. All the same, Ariel couldn’t take the heat and decided to flee to land without a voice. Hmm, smart move, girly.
Top 10 Pittsburgh dates
Because — you know — it might happen one day.
- Skibo: for the first-year with 10 blocks left.
- The Underground: for the first-year with extra blocks living in Morewood.
- The house party: it works — ask my freshman year.
- Purnell: on campus, and with relatively cheap tickets.
- Carnegie Museum of Art: free with student ID! And free = good.
- Joe Mama’s: you can share spaghetti and meatballs, Lady & the Tramp style.
- The dorm room: watch one of the top five date movies.
- Starbucks: ‘cause baby, it’s cold outside. And coffee = tasty.
- South Side Works: a movie and The Cheesecake Factory!
- The car: music and a backseat is all you need.