Everything you need to know

Hi Myrtle,

I love my girlfriend very much — she’s sweet and considerate (and quite easy on the eyes) and I hope we’ll be together a very long time. There’s just one problem — I’m an atheist and she’s what she calls a “spiritualist metaphysicist.” I believe in evolution and the scientific method, and she believes in auras and crystal healing and chakras. I’ve worked very hard to accept her beliefs, and she’s tried to accept mine, but I have a lot of trouble not cracking up when she insists on trying to heal my paper cuts with reiki (they still hurt like hell afterward) or shouting at her when she explains how black people look different because they were seeded on Earth by different kinds of aliens. And then she gets really upset when I try to talk to her about my philosophy or something cool I heard in the news about evolutionary psychology. Is our relationship doomed, or can I save it?

—Sad Unbeliever Boyfriend

My poor SUB,

You’ve certainly got the cards stacked against you. But all is not lost — yet. Couples can live happily with utterly different views, as long as they love and respect (let me repeat a la Arethra: R-E-S-P-E-C-T) each other. Think carefully about this. You don’t agree with your girlfriend’s views, but do you respect them? Truly? Or do you think, deep underneath, that she’s a complete nut job? (You would, in all honesty, be justified in thinking so.) How about her? Does she tolerate your beliefs (or lack thereof) and respect your rights to them, or might she in the deepest recesses of her heart cry for your lost soul that will never join hers in complete spiritual union? It’s time for a heart-to-heart, SUB, to discuss these things with your girlfriend. If you can’t discuss your respective beliefs with respect and love, I’m afraid you’d better say your goodbyes.

Good luck,

Dear Myrtle,

I want to name my girlfriend’s boobs, since I love them so (and she doesn’t mind the idea). Here’s the rub: Whenever I try to come up with possible names, all I can think of are guys’ names. Batman and Robin, Ben and Jerry, Calvin and Hobbes, Lewis and Clark. Does this mean I’m gay? Should I tell my girlfriend? Help!


Trouble In Titling

Hello TIT,

Here’s how to figure out if you’re gay. Close your eyes and imagine Orlando Bloom and Jake Gyllenhaal wrestling, naked, at the ocean’s edge, foam dotting their firm, writhing bodies. If that image excited you even half as much as it excited me (did it just get hot in this column, or is it just me?) then you’re probably gay, or bi, and you should probably tell your girlfriend about that. But just wanting to name her boobs after guys is not the best litmus test for homosexuality. If she’s not too disturbed by the idea, I see no problem in going with a male pair, but I would run it by her first. And if you’re really just stuck for female names, you should turn to our ally in these troubled times, the great Google. I put in “female name pairs” and got two million hits at once. Good luck and good naming!



P.S.: Mine are named Simon and Garfunkel, and they don’t seem to be having a gender identity crisis. Right, guys?

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