Everything you need to know

Hi Myrtle,

I don’t love my girlfriend anymore. Things were really good when we started out, but since then she’s become progressively needier, not to mention pickier about everything from the T-shirts I wear to the way I floss. There’s just no hope. Trouble is, I’m scared shitless to tell her. I know she’s going to cry, beg me to stay, and generally make me feel terrible. So what I want to know is: Can I break up with her on Facebook? She checks the thing religiously and I know she’d find out right away. Will that work?

—Scared Of Being A Douche

Hello there SO BAD,

No. You cannot break up with your girlfriend on Facebook. That goes beyond insensitivity — it is the ultimate cowardly thing to do. And no, you can’t break up with her through IM, either, or over the phone. Go see her in person and tell her to her face — and give her reasons, too. Not reasons describing how utterly terrible she is, but reasons describing how you feel when you’re with her and why you don’t like feeling like that. It’s hard, sure, but you’ve got to do it out of respect for her and the good times you had together. There’s no nice way to dump somebody, but there are incredibly bad ways. Also, I don’t know if you’ve tried talking to your girlfriend about the problems you’ve been having, SO BAD, but it would be worth a try before you gave up your relationship as lost. And here’s another tip: The next time you meet a girl you like, don’t ask her out on Facebook or through IM, either.



Dear Myrtle,

Help! My English TA is ridiculously hot. I drool every time I walk into class, I draw his silhouette in the margins of my notebook, and I frolic in endless meadows with him in my dreams. He can’t be more than a couple of years older than me, and I happen to know he’s single. I’ve talked to him after class a couple of times — only about English, mind you — and he seems to like me too. Can I ask him out? I want to ask him so bad that I’m afraid I’ll blurt it out during class instead of the answer to a grammar question. What should I do?

—Pining Over Teacher’s Total Yumminess

Hello POTTY:

I have one word for you: wait. At semester’s end, when the studly grammarian is no longer your TA, there will be nothing whatsoever wrong with the two of you dating. But if you ask him now, you could get him in big trouble. If he’s worth having, then he’s worth waiting for — and if he’s not, then you’d better ask yourself if it’s the naughty teacher-student fling you’re craving and not the teacher himself. Be patient.

Good luck,


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