Pillbox

What will rock the box office this summer?

One of the reasons people look forward to the summer is the inevitable rush of movies. This summer is no exception — we finally get the three-quels we’ve been looking for and legless reptiles loose on a commercial airliner. Here’s a list of some movies you may want to check out this summer.

** Mission: Impossible III – May 5**
Dear Tom Cruise,
Despite your love for Scientology and Joey Potter, we still kind of love you deep down inside. We’ve seen M:I-2 more times than Xenu can count. There are motorcycles, guns, explosions, and self-destructing tapes. Not to mention the requisite pretty girl. How can this movie fail?
Love,
The Tartan

** An American Haunting – May 5**
Most horror movies just don’t work. They’re not scary — they’re just mildly disturbing. This one, however, looks like it might be worth your time. It’s based on the only documented U.S. case of a ghost causing someone’s death. This probably means it’s the type of scary that’s scarier because it could actually happen. That is, if you’re afraid of ghosts. We certainly don’t check our closets before we sleep... that would be crazy, right?

** The Da Vinci Code – May 19**
Depending on who you ask, the book was good. The movie? Well, maybe Tom Hanks isn’t the best choice for Robert Langdon. Our first thought when we see him is, “Life is like a box of chocolates.” So is this movie. We’re not quite sure what we’re gonna get. All we know is Gand — we mean, Ian McKellen — makes one awesome Teabing.

** X-Men: The Last Stand – May 26**
Remember Leopold, Catwoman, and that kid from the short-lived Disney channel series In a Heartbeat? They’re back for part three! This time, a “cure” has been invented to make mutants normal. The characters need to figure out whether they want to be human or keep their powers. More importantly, the “big question” is finally answered: Will Wolverine finally get his yellow spandex suit? Guess you have to see it to find out.

** Superman Returns – June 30**
Five Reasons We’re a Bit Anxious About This Movie:
1. Where’s Tom Welling?
2. Where’s Tom Welling?
3.-5. WHERE’S TOM WELLING?
This disturbs us immensely. However, this movie should still be interesting. He’s saving the world while trying to fit in, and he wants “the girl.” Wait, this sounds like Spiderman 2. We hope it’s half as good.

** The Devil Wears Prada – June 30**
Not a big-budget action movie? Whaaaat? ChickLit! If you need a break from explosions and superheroes, check out this one. We’re not paying $10 to see this one — we’ll wait for McConomy. On the other hand, The Nanny Diaries, which is also coming out soon, may be a lot better.

** Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest – July 7**
Pirates have been getting a lot of exposure at this school. Despite what it sounds like, though, this pirates movie is wholesome family fun. Seriously. Between Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, and Keira Knightley, this movie has so much eye candy that you’d have to be asexual to miss it.

** Snakes on a Plane – August 18**
Do we really have to convince you to see this? Shouldn’t you want to with all your heart and soul? Samuel L. Jackson (a.k.a. Shaft) signed up for this movie based on the name. What’s it about? Snakes. On a plane. If you couldn’t figure that one out, how are you still at Carnegie Mellon? It’s a bit sad that it comes out so close to the end of the summer and that we have to wait so long for it. On the bright side, this means we’ll have something to talk about when we get back.