Carnegie Mellon sex culture — where is it?

The banner hangs, awaiting those groups of prospective students touring the sloped hallway of Baker. When the naive high-school seniors aren’t giving you hot eye-sex in an attempt to get a “feel” for the kind of students who go to Carnegie Mellon, they catch a glimpse of just one of our school’s acclaimed accolades. Large enough to make any Kinko’s employee salivate like Pavlov’s dogs, the Porter Hall banner proclaiming Carnegie Mellon to be the FOURTH BEST INSTITUTION TO STUDY METAPHYSIACTICAL ENGINEERING NORTH OF THE WEST VIRGINIA PANHANDLE (or something like that) is evidence that, yes, we go to a good school.

But what do we make of the fact that more kids here would get all hot and bothered over the latest U.S. News rankings than the sultry economics major looking for a little “homework help”?

Please, you’re thinking, not another one of those if-CMU-were-a-human-it-would-be-a-cold-blooded-eunuch arguments. I’m sick of hearing about how undersexed, underdressed, and underestimated this Tartan town is.

Who isn’t? Every college guide to our fine institution just has to mention that unproven Playboy investigation that ranked us as the ugliest school in the country. It’s time we brought to attention the bustling world of ecstasy and erotica — not only alive, but thriving — here at the 15289 ZIP code.

Take, for instance, Professor Alan Kennedy’s Rhetoric of Fiction course (76-377, or for those of you living in the numbers world, 101111001). Just the other day the discussion turned downright naughty while exploring Jonathan Swift’s agenda in his decision to name a character in Gulliver’s Travels the “Good Master Bates.” Classic 17th-century allusions to self-pleasure! Saucy!

Or just ask the friendly safe-sex proponents down at Health Services. Condom sales are up, up, up! Actually, “we sell less than you’d think,” the front desk attendant explained. Less than we’d think? So, like... none? The employee also verified that there has never been a line of people awaiting condom purchases.

Don’t make hasty conclusions, though! Turn to the always-handy Facebook for the real deal. A whole 189 people at Carnegie Mellon have proclaimed their adoration for the dirty deed by joining the “I Love Sex” group. Just think — this doesn’t even include the people who really, really like sex, or find sex to be an occasional “filler,” or the people who cry afterward! We’re maniacs!

And for those Carnegie Mellon kiddos who enjoy a whackin’ Wednesday more often then a fornicatin’ Friday, keep your pants on. This academic castration is working out well for us. I mean, we’ve got banners and everything.