First-ever ‘Sports Elections’

In lieu of the “real” elections this past Tuesday, the sports experts at The Tartan came up with the idea of the first-ever “Sports Elections.” Would you like to see Lance Armstrong as your commander-in-chief, or possibly Troy Polamalu stepping in to replace Donald Rumsfeld, our ex-secretary of defense?

We chose six political positions, each with two candidates, and let the varsity athletes here at Carnegie Mellon vote for one candidate for each position, based on who’s the most “qualified,” who they’d like to see in that position, or whoever they liked more.

The election for the President of the United States pitted Lance Armstrong against Michael Jordan. Armstrong won the Tour de France a record seven times after recovering from cancer, whereas MJ is considered by many the greatest basketball player of all time.

The Vice-President position showcased LeBron James and Derek Jeter. LeBron, considered “the Chosen One,” is one of the top candidates for the NBA MVP award. Jeter is one of the most clutch players in all of Major League Baseball.
Troy Polamalu and Mike Tyson were vying to be the next secretary of defense. Polamalu is the starting strong safety for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Tyson knows a thing or two about fighting, with a once-promising boxing career undermined by personal problems and periods of imprisonment. He now spends much of his time tending to his coop of around 350 pigeons in Phoenix, Ariz.

Secretary of state saw Yao Ming versus David Beckham. Yao is one of the premier centers in the NBA and stands 7'6'' tall. Beckham is a celebrity even outside the football (soccer) world.

The secretary of the treasury came down to Tiger Woods and Alex Rodriguez. Woods, golfer extraordinaire, was the highest paid professional athlete in 2005. A-Rod is currently the starting third baseman for the New York Yankees. He’s known for signing the largest contract in sports history.

Last is the attorney general position, for which Terrell Owens and Barry Bonds were candidates. Owens has been among the NFL’s best wide receivers, as well as one of the league’s most controversial players. Bonds holds the record for most home runs in a season, but journalists have alleged that he used performance-enhancing substances.

Voting took place Friday night and all day Saturday. A record number of votes — zero is an easy record to beat — were cast over this period.

The voting for President was close, but “His Airness” Michael Jordan defeated the seemingly invincible Lance Armstrong 57 to 43 percent. Lance Armstrong shrugged off the defeat, saying that, deep down, he “really wanted to be like Mike” and actually voted for Jordan. He added that Space Jam was his favorite movie ever.

LeBron James was apparently too young to instill confidence in the voting public, falling to Derek Jeter 55 to 41 percent. The other 4 percent went to Troy Polamalu. Some voters got confused and started voting for Steelers players at every position hoping it would translate into some victories for the team.

Polamalu won in a landslide to become the secretary of defense. Mike Tyson failed again, this time so badly that some write-in candidates drew more votes than him. He announced that he’s taking his pigeons and moving to Mongolia, where he hopes he can start a new life.

Yao Ming nipped David Beckham 52 to 46 percent in secretary of state voting. It is believed that Yao’s close ties with China proved the deciding factor in this race. Yao became the tallest person ever on the President’s cabinet. He arrived in Washington, D.C., earlier today, but couldn’t fit inside the White House, so he stayed outside and spoke to the media while architects redesigned the entrance to the building.

Tiger Woods embarrassed Alex Rodriguez to become the new secretary of the treasury. Woods did his trademark fist pump upon hearing the news and gave a big smile. A-Rod was too busy watching replays of himself strike out in the MLB playoffs to comment.

No candidate received the necessary 50 percent majority in the attorney general voting. Bonds and Owens tied at 46 percent, with Tiki Barber and Pete Rose among others also receiving votes.

In a case like this, we resorted to rock-paper-scissors, best out of three, between Bonds and Owens. Bonds won the first game and TO took the second.

At this point, Rose was accused of betting on the first two games and banned from the rock-paper-scissors hall of fame. Barber announced his retirement, vowing never to run for public office again. Bonds won the third game on a controversial rock to paper switch that appeared to be after “shoot” was announced. Instant replays proved inconclusive.

The play stood and Bonds’s paper defeated TO’s rock. TO accused Bonds of using performance-enhancing drugs, claiming they allowed Bonds to gain an unfair advantage. Owens then badmouthed the referees, his coach, his political advisor, his hands, and his limo driver. Bonds became the new attorney general.

This concludes the “Sports Elections.” Thank you to all the athletes who voted.