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Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 ? April 19): The next month or so is going to be full of depression for you. Good luck overcoming it.

Taurus (April 20 ? May 20): The stars tell me that you're unhappy and you don't know why. There is nothing you can do about it until the stars move a little... to the right (which may take a month or so).

Gemini (May 21 ? June 21): If you're in a relationship, make sure to pay attention to your lover through the next few weeks. No matter how overwhelmed you feel, you need him/her. He/she is probably feeling the same way and needs you too. If you are single, it's about time you found someone so you can worry incessantly about how well you are treating the person and how badly he/she treats you. What a loser you must be.

Cancer (June 22 ? July 22): Watch out, you're going to be really stressed out from now until mid-May. The stars forebode it!

Leo (July 23 ? August 22): Mark my words, if you have a habit of eating rich ice cream when you're stressed out, you must break yourself of it now! If you don't know what I'm talking about, that's a good thing.

Virgo (August 23 ? September 22): Your T.A. accidentally slept through your recitation last week. He didn't mean to do it and he's really sorry. Please forgive him.

Libra (September 23 ? October 23): When I was seeing your immediate future in the stars last night, I had an epiphany! The reason you like eating yellow-colored, sour foods so much is because you are the reincarnation of Marilyn Monroe! (Don't ask me how that relates, the stars have their reasons and they do [ITAL]not[ITAL] indulge them.)

Scorpio (October 24 ? November 21): For the next three weeks you will temporarily lose your mind, but don't worry, it will come back to you. Eventually.

Sagittarius (November 22 ? December 21): In the next few hours you will be eating a lot of cheese. It's ok: Enjoy yourself.

Capricorn (December 22 ? January 19): Unlike everyone else, you actually have been preparing yourself for the next month since early March. Congratulations! You are going to fly through the next few weeks with the greatest of ease, and the fruits of your reward will be plentiful. Good job.

Aquarius (January 20 ? February 18): Get ready for a long haul. There is nothing you can do about it.

Pisces (February 19 ? March 20): This week is your last week of pseudo-freedom (you know, that thing you call your normal life, which really consists of stress, worry, constant work, nerdy pastimes, and an occasional hangover), so cherish it for all that it's worth. I'm sorry if it's not worth that much to you. And I can't promise you it will get better.