By Dinah Winnick

ARIES (March 21 – April 19): A horrible near-death experience will lead you to reconsider life as a mediocre magician and ponder your true internal desires, dreams, and goals. Unfortunately you will still have to get out of the straight jacket, the chains, the steel chest, swim to the surface, and flag down a rescue vehicle to take you to shore.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): Everyone thinks your online alter ego Armando is a pretty cool guy. You may want to take a few pointers.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21): Just think of this failure as bringing you one step closer to realizing your true calling in the overseas beverage distribution world.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22): Don't just throw out that wrinkled, smelly piece of aged produce in the back of your fridge. Remember, everything is tasty when fried and everything can be fried.

LEO (July 23 – August 22): You may eventually have some luck referring to your acne scars as being from "that horrible dirt biking accident when my band was touring in Portugal.” No one will believe you, but someone may find your creativity charming.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22): You may provide a service to your community, but it doesn’t really count as community service.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 23): Keep up with all the hard work and someday in the next 12-15 years you too could have a nice aboveground pool in Jersey.

SCORPIO (October 24 – November 21): Some days are magnificent opportunities to learn, enjoy life, and grow as a person. Others are like today.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21): The great thing about food poisoning is that after 48 hours you'll hardly even remember it stopped by for a visit, no matter how agonizing and terrible those actual 48 hours are.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19): You will finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately you will still have fourteen sewage pipes to trudge through before your freedom from the state penitentiary is certain.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18): Buck up! Debt, failure, and insurmountable obstacles are character-builders. Embrace them with the enthusiasm and respect they deserve or the other, more positive nouns will get angry and gang up against you.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20): Tomorrow you will realize that life would have been so much easier if you remembered what you will forget to do today after reminding yourself repeatedly to remember it.