ARIES (March 21 ? April 19): The flip-flops you plan on wearing tomorrow show your endearing optimism. The short shorts show a bit too much leg.
TAURUS (April 20 ? May 20): Your professors will not hate you just because they finally realize what a hopelessly terrible writer you truly are. Think of how much lower their Internet and cable bills will be now that they?ve got your work to read over the dinner table and at family p?arties.
GEMINI (May 21 ? June 21): This election, try to follow the instructions more carefully than you did last time. Late absentee ballots cannot reverse the standing of already-elected officials, and they don't really count all of the photocopies you send in either.
CANCER (June 22 ? July 22): Sometimes it?s important to admit defeat, shave your head, and move on. Some people just can?t pull off having dreadlocks, some people meaning you and apparently at least 1/12 of the world population.
LEO (July 23 ? August 22): While you may not have any luck with the design firms you interview for career day, struggling low-budget tabloids are always looking for someone with Photoshop skills who will work without health insurance, workers? comp, or overtime just like you.
VIRGO (August 23 ? September 22): The next time you jump on someone putting their soda can in a non-blue trash receptacle, be sure they?re not a colorblind nationally-ranked power lifter with an insatiable butt-kicking appetite first if you want to have a more positive instructional recycling experience.
LIBRA (September 23 ? October 23): Stop doing all of the crossword puzzles in the library magazines, or at least stop being cocky about signing them, if you want to avoid more creepy (though well-written and technically perfect) threat letters.
SCORPIO (October 24 ? November 21): Don't let the facial damage from Thursday's fistfight make you nervous about your Friday audition. Your newfound versatile appearance from ?villain? to ?villian?s goofy-looking, oddly disturbing clingy sidekick? could never be achieved by, say, a more attractive person.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 ? December 21): Unfortunately, the adorable winter sweaters you knit for your pet duck during the winter will tip off your visiting landlord about your bathroom tub-dwelling friend. While your beautiful relationship with the bird may be short-lived, the bond you develop with your grandmother through your wild and crazy knitting adventures and fabric store holdups will be truly life changing.
CAPRICORN (December 22 ? January 19): In your search for affordable used furnishings for your new apartment, you will discover that not all things can be fixed with a fresh layer of paint. Some things need several layers of paint and a match just to stop them from marring whatever unfortunate space is forced to hold them, including the dumpster behind your building.
AQUARIUS (January 20 ? February 18): Stay on your current path of hard work and academic dedication and you may someday be the proud owner of a real, people-sized John Deere tractor or, you know, a poster of really powerful hedge trimmers.
PISCES (February 19 ? March 20): Learning pig latin may impress the ladies but it will not improve your GRE Score. After all, it is hard to surpass such innate perfect genius.